Struggling with Acceptance
Hi there, thanks for stopping by!
I am not really sure where this blog post is going, but I am feeling a whirl of emotions today and feel like I need to share a few things.
I feel like “acceptance” is something that everyone, including myself, struggles with. Everyone wants to be accepted, whether it’s in a social group, a sports team, a sorority or even just on social media. We naturally want to feel accepted and a part of something. Well, maybe I shouldn’t speak for everyone; I just know that that is something I’ve always battled with.
In my younger years, I feel like I always stressed over having the best clothes, the prettiest friends, the nicest car, etc. Silly stuff that doesn’t actually define a person. I remember when my Audi was having some mechanical issues my senior year of high school and I had to trade it in for a Mercury Mariner. I drove to school that morning with a pit in my stomach; nervous of what others would think. I pulled in slowly and quickly my mind started racing of explanations to give my friends and piers about my new car. I know this is super dramatic, and I find myself looking back on these days and laughing at myself. I wish I could go back and say “Ayla, these things do not define you! People will like you for who you are as a person, not by what you drive or wear.” Anyways, I remember getting out of the car and all of the guys running up and saying, “Cool car Ayla!” “Whoa it’s 4-wheel drive! “When are we all going to hook my fishing boat on it?!” Immediately, the pit in my stomach disappeared and a warm feeling of acceptance filled inside of me.
If you are from the small town that I call home, you probably know me. You know me as Ayla Humphrey, the girl who is extremely tall, the girl who wears nice clothes, the girl whose dad is “Coach Humphrey” or maybe you define me in negative ways… If you are one of those who define me as something negative, I would like to take a second and apologize for my younger years! (Side note: wouldn’t we all like to go back in time and tell our younger selves a few things!? Or is it just me!? Haha) You may have saw a girl who had it all and walked the halls with confidence and style. What you didn’t know, is that inside that girl was someone who struggled with acceptance. Yes, I was 100% confident in my skin and my capabilities, but I never felt 100% accepted in friend groups, teams or clubs. I feel like I over tried sometimes to the point that I may have come off in a negative or stand-offish way. So let me take the time to say I am sorry if you & I have ever crossed paths and I didn’t take the time to smile and spread some joy in your life.
I decided to go to The University of Alabama for college, and I am ever so grateful with my choice of school. I can’t express the amount of growth I made in Tuscaloosa in such a short amount of time. I really started finding myself and discovering my strengths and interests. Freshman year was hard on me though. A lot of friendships were lost, changes were made, and emptiness filled my soul. I decided I would join a sorority so that I could make new friends, new memories and build social connections. I was convinced that a sorority would solve all of my problems and I would finally be ACCEPTED! Let’s cut the chase, the sorority did not solve all of my problems. It was a fabulous experience that I would never take back. I did make my handful of close friends and we all stay in touch to this day. Therefore, I am thankful for ZETA and The University of Alabama for introducing new friendships to me. BUT I still felt alone at times, especially a year later when I had to drop because of how expensive it was! Some days I felt like I was spinning in circles trying to look a certain way, while having all these friends, while working two jobs, while passing my classes, while running off of 4 hours of sleep. Did I pull off the ideal image? Eh, I don’t know? All I know is that I was fed up with trying to please the world and “look accepted” into something when I was actually pretty darn miserable.
I was ready to start focusing on me and that is when I met this beautiful soul, Savannah Summerville. We actually met a while back when I was anxiously looking for the perfect rush dress at a store she worked at. I was a frazzled hot mess trying to find “the perfect dress for rush” and while I was checking out, she asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. OK PAUSE. This is a fabulous, wonderful story that made a HUGE impact on my life, but I think I should save this specific season of my life for another post J So I will share the full story another time! Anyways, I started going to church with her and was introduced to her friend group. They were beautiful inside and out. To the point, I was so intimidated to be around them. There were times where I felt guilty taking pictures with them or sitting by them in church….. I would have thoughts like “Am I actually cool enough to sit with these girls!?” I would let insecurities stop me from really being myself around them. I would spend HOURS picking out what I would wear to church or small group. I would drive 20 minutes out of my way just so I could carry a Heritage House coffee around them (Okay, my ttown girls! We all know Heritage House has the best coffee. Am I right!?!) Anyways, I let my insecurities and my struggle with “acceptance” take over my life to the point where I just cut them out of my life. {Remember, I am cutting out a lot of details in this story, only because I am focusing more on the fact that I let “feeling accepted” get in the way of actually loving life and living to the fullest! So, us girls still stay in touch from time to time and I also know that they will always be there when I need them}
I decided to move back to Florida and do my senior year online at Bama so that I could REALLY start focusing on myself and working a lot to save $! One opportunity led to another, and I ended up here in Atlanta, GA. I took a huge leap of faith my junior year in college and completely changed my major. I always assumed that I would just get a business degree and get your typical 9-5 job doing something in the corporate world or do real estate. However, I had wonderful professors and people come into my life and shed a little light and inspiration on me. I am now studying Consumer Science in the Human Environmental Science college. I started taking courses on fashion, social media, blogging, PR and E-Commerce. I have enjoyed these classes so much and they helped direct me to what I really want to do with my life. Finally, something feels clear. Nothing has ever felt so right in my life until now! Again, through connections and word of mouth, I found this company here in Atlanta; Atlanta First Agency. I applied for an internship with them and ended up getting hired as their PR Manager and Social Media Coordinator. It’s crazy how opportunities fall into your lap when you least expect it. God’s timing is so perfect and mind-blowing at times. For the last 4 months, I have been so consumed in my school work, part-time job, AFA job and my personal life (health, family, friends & faith). I have been caught up in all of these wonderful things that make me feel accepted, important, loved and happy.
This past week was the America’s Mart, which AFA staff’s models for. When I say it was a long week, I really mean IT WAS A LONG WEEK. I laughed, I cried, I screamed, I danced. It definitely brought out a whirl of emotions in me. Super cliché, but it also showed me how much my friends and family care about me. I had deep conversations with some of these amazing girls, and I never once felt judged, uncomfortable, unsure or fake. I really felt like I could open up and be vulnerable to these girls. I shared stories from my past and how I’ve gotten to be where I am today. It allowed me to reflect on the series of events that took place to form me into this confident, mature young lady.
The last day of Mart ended on Saturday, April 14th. I hosted a slumber party for our AFA girls to show them how much we appreciate their hard work. I put in so much time, sweat and tears into the event. Brooke, Emily and Rosemary definitely saw me go into “Ayla Mode” hahah. I am such a people pleaser and always put others before myself. I aim to please and I am not satisfied until I know everyone is having a good time. Once the party started, I was able to relax and enjoy myself with everyone. I had one of my good friends who is a photographer come and take pictures at the party! Last night he sent me a 30 second video of the party that he made and it literally brought me to tears. I could not stop crying tears of joy. The 30 second video seriously captures all of the hard work that was put into the event, the genuine smiles and laughs, as well as the bond we all share. I get it. It sounds super sappy and cliché, but I’m being serious. I can’t watch the video clip without crying because I finally feel like my hard work and efforts were recognized and appreciated. I also finally feel “accepted”. I’ve spent years growing and learning and trying to find who I am and where I “fit in”.
Now, here we are today on 04/16/18 and I am completely, 100% proud of the young woman I’ve matured into. I don’t know where I will be in a year or what big girl job I will have after graduation. However, I do know that I have peace with myself, I’m comfortable in my own skin, and I am also confident in God’s plan for me. I no longer feel the need to TRY to fit in or make anyone like me. I’m me. I’m real. I’m honest. A little blunt at times, but I also have a big heart and never ever want anyone to feel that they are not loved or accepted.
Side note; as a “fashion blogger” or “life style blogger” I am not trying to make my life style look super perfect and awesome. In today’s day and age, social media tends to look more glamorous than reality. In order for me to maintain a professional, clean, crisp image, I choose to post pictures that go well with my feed. With that being said, all of my blog posts will always be straight up and honest. I would never lie to you guys. I like sharing real advice, real tips and real-life experiences. Anytime anyone has a question or needs advice, I am quick to respond with my honest opinion.
I am looking forward to growing as a blogger and trying new products. I will always be honest about my opinion and how they end up working for me. Blogging is a newly loved hobby of mine that I truly enjoy doing, not just for the $ or perks!
If you are someone who struggles with finding yourself or feeling accepted know this:
Jeremiah 29:11
You are on a journey. You are supposed to be facing these challenges, making mistakes, learning, meeting new people and growing.
Be you. Stay true to yourself. People will love you for YOU!
Take risks!
Be kind to others
Thank you for taking the time to read through my ramblings ^ hehe. I hope this is a relatable post or something that helps motivate you.